Loneliness in a relationship: understanding emotional distance

Introduction

Loneliness can arise even in a close relationship. What matters is not only whether we are together, but whether we still feel emotionally close to one another.

You can live together, share responsibilities, raise children, plan holidays and fall asleep beside each other every night, yet still feel that something important is missing from your relationship.

Conversations begin to revolve mainly around shopping, work and everyday responsibilities. Increasingly, we keep meaningful experiences to ourselves. We stop expecting the other person to truly understand us. From the outside, the relationship may seem to function without any major problems, while distance is growing within it.

This is one way loneliness in a relationship can feel.

It does not have to mean the relationship is ending or that feelings have disappeared. It may, however, signal that one or both partners are not experiencing the closeness, support or connection they need.

Can you feel lonely while in a relationship?

Loneliness does not simply mean having no one around you.

In psychology, it is described as a subjective experience that arises when there is a gap between the closeness and quality of relationships we need and what we actually experience^[1].

Having a partner therefore does not rule out loneliness.

Researchers distinguish, among other forms, between social and emotional loneliness. The former primarily relates to lacking a wider network of social relationships. The latter concerns the absence of a sufficiently close and meaningful bond.

In a relationship, emotional loneliness can be particularly significant.

We may have family, friends and an active social life, yet not feel that our partner is someone with whom we can share what truly matters to us.

In a study of 755 married people aged 64–92, greater loneliness was associated with factors including less frequent emotional support from a spouse, fewer conversations and greater disagreement between partners ^[2].

The study involved older people, so its findings should not automatically be applied to all relationships. It does, however, highlight an important association: being in a relationship does not, in itself, guarantee a sense of closeness.

What are the signs of loneliness in a relationship?

Loneliness in a relationship rarely begins with a single event. More often, it develops gradually.

Partners still talk, but there are fewer conversations about emotions, needs or worries. Everyday communication begins to resemble the management of a shared household.

You may feel there is no point in talking about your difficulties because the other person does not listen, minimises the problem or immediately tries to solve it. Sometimes, your partner stops being the first person you want to tell about something important.

For some couples, loneliness may show itself through withdrawal. One partner tries to connect while the other increasingly closes themselves off. Each new attempt at conversation can then create frustration on one side and an even stronger need for distance on the other.

Loneliness may also be accompanied by:

• a lack of affection and physical closeness;
• a feeling that your partner is not interested in your experiences;
• spending less and less time together as a couple;
• avoiding more difficult conversations;
• sharing important matters with other people rather than your partner;
• the belief that “they won’t understand anyway”;
• living alongside each other rather than together.

None of these signs, on its own, necessarily means there is a crisis.

What matters most is how long the situation has lasted, how it affects both partners and whether attempts to change it are helping.

A lack of closeness: where does emotional distance come from?

There is no single cause of loneliness or a lack of closeness in a relationship.

Sometimes, distance develops when life becomes overwhelming. Work, childcare, financial problems, illness or prolonged stress can mean that most of our energy goes into getting through each day, leaving less and less for the relationship.

A couple may still manage all their shared responsibilities well, but gradually make less room for conversation, affection, shared experiences and interest in one another.

In other cases, partners gradually stop talking about their needs. Each may assume that the other “should know” what they need. When this does not happen, disappointment follows.

The way conflict is handled can also matter. If conversations regularly end in criticism, mutual attacks or withdrawal, it can eventually feel easier to stop raising difficult subjects than to risk another argument.

An apparent calm may develop: partners argue less, but not because their problems have been resolved. They simply talk to each other less and less.

Research suggests that relationship quality is associated with loneliness. In a Dutch study of married people, greater loneliness was linked to factors including less emotional support from a spouse, fewer conversations and greater disagreement between partners ^[2].

The Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing followed 932 older married couples. People who reported more negative aspects of their marriage at the start of the study experienced greater loneliness two years later ^[3].

This does not mean that an unsatisfactory relationship automatically causes loneliness.

Research identifies associations between these experiences, and the relationships between them may be more complex. Loneliness can affect how a relationship is perceived, while the way a relationship functions may influence feelings of loneliness.

It is therefore more accurate to say that loneliness and relationship quality may be linked to one another over time than that one always causes the other.

Does closeness mean the same thing to everyone?

One source of misunderstanding may be that partners understand closeness differently.

For one person, it primarily means being able to talk about emotions. For another, time spent together, touch, affection, sex or knowing that their partner is available when something important happens may matter more.

One partner may therefore feel that they are showing interest and care, while the other still experiences a lack of closeness.

For example, one partner may try to help by suggesting solutions, while the other mainly needs to be heard. Someone may express attachment by taking care of everyday responsibilities, while their partner particularly misses affection or time together.

This does not mean that one need is more important or more valid than another.

What matters is being able to recognise those needs and express them in a way the other person can understand.

So, rather than only asking:

“Why aren’t we as close any more?”

it can sometimes help to ask a more specific question:

“What am I missing most in our relationship right now?”

Partners’ answers do not have to be the same.

One person’s loneliness can affect the whole relationship

A relationship involves two people, so their experiences cannot always be considered entirely separately.

This is illustrated by a large German study involving 2,337 stable couples, both married and unmarried. The partners were followed for eight years^[1].

People who felt lonelier at the start of the study later reported lower relationship satisfaction, on average. Greater loneliness in one partner was also associated with lower subsequent satisfaction in the other ^[1].

The researchers also observed an association between loneliness and the course of relationship satisfaction over the following years ^[1].

This does not mean that one person’s emotions automatically “transfer” to the other, or that loneliness inevitably makes a relationship worse.

It does, however, show something important: persistent loneliness in one partner may matter for the way the relationship as a whole functions.

If someone feels unheard or left alone with their emotions for a long time, their responses to their partner may change. They may seek contact more insistently or, conversely, withdraw and stop expecting it.

The other person responds to this change, and a repeating pattern can develop that the couple finds difficult to break on their own.

Does loneliness mean the relationship has failed?

No. Loneliness can also arise in a relationship that previously gave both partners a strong sense of closeness. The birth of a child, illness, caring for a loved one, difficulties at work, prolonged stress or simply feeling overwhelmed by daily life can temporarily limit the ability to nurture a relationship.

So, more useful than the question:

“Do I feel lonely?”

may be:

“How is this feeling changing over time, and can we talk about it?”

If partners can acknowledge that they have grown apart, listen to each other’s needs and try to rebuild connection together, the appearance of loneliness need not mean a lasting problem.

It is harder when attempts to talk do not lead to change, or even increase the distance.

Loneliness, support from a partner and well-being

Loneliness is not a mental health diagnosis. Nor does it mean that someone experiencing it has depression.

It is worth remembering, however, that relationship quality, loneliness and psychological well-being can be connected.

A study using data from 1,084 couples in the US Health and Retirement Study, a representative study of people aged over 50, examined factors including support from a spouse, relationship strain, loneliness and later depressive symptoms ^[4].

The findings suggested that loneliness may be one mechanism linking support from a partner with later psychological well-being. However, the associations differed according to participants’ gender and functional limitations ^[4].

This does not establish that a lack of closeness in a relationship leads to depression.

It does show why loneliness is worth considering within the context of a person’s overall situation, rather than treating it solely as a relationship problem.

How can you cope with loneliness in a relationship?

A first step may be to try to name your own experience without blaming your partner.

The sentence:

“You never take an interest in me”

can easily trigger a defensive response. This may sound different:

“Lately, I feel we talk a lot about responsibilities, but very little about us. I miss that.”

It helps to talk not only about what we do not want, but also about what we need.

Instead of:

“We never have time for each other”

you could try saying:

“I miss having time when it is just the two of us. I would like us to find a little more of it.”

It is also useful to check whether both partners see the situation in a similar way. Sometimes, one person has felt lonely for months while the other is unaware of the growing problem.

You could explore a few questions:

• When did we last feel truly close to each other?
• What does each of us miss most at the moment?
• Can we talk about difficult matters without attacking each other?
• Do we have time together when we are not only parents or people running a shared household?
• Does the other person notice our attempts to reconnect?
• What does closeness mean to each of us?

Change does not always require grand gestures.

Sometimes, small, repeated experiences matter more: a conversation without distractions, interest in each other’s day, going out together, more affection or returning to activities that once helped you feel connected.

It is worth paying attention not only to your intentions, but also to whether your efforts are actually changing the way you relate to each other.

When is it worth seeking help?

There is no set length of time after which loneliness means that couples therapy is necessary. Nor is there a test whose result determines that a couple “should” see a therapist.

The decision depends on the particular situation.

A persistent sense of loneliness despite attempts to reconnect may be a sign that a consultation is worth considering.

Pay particular attention if:

• conversations about the relationship regularly end in conflict or withdrawal;
• partners share important experiences less and less often;
• communication is almost entirely limited to practical arrangements;
• one person is constantly trying to connect while the other withdraws further;
• a lack of affection or closeness is causing one or both partners distress;
• resentment or indifference is growing;
• there is an increasing belief that the other person will not understand anyway;
• emotional distance does not lessen despite efforts to change things.

Support may also be helpful when both partners care about the relationship, but repeated attempts to change things lead back to the same pattern.

You do not have to wait for infidelity, a decision to separate or a very serious crisis.

Couples therapy can also help people explore why they are gradually losing closeness and what they might do to change how their relationship works.

Longitudinal studies suggest associations between loneliness and relationship quality and satisfaction over time [2,3]. They do not, however, provide grounds for claiming that loneliness itself leads to separation.

Rather than treating loneliness as a sign that the relationship is ending, it can be seen as a signal worth exploring.

How can couples therapy help?

Couples therapy is not about identifying who is responsible for the relationship’s problems.

One of its aims may be to help partners recognise how they respond to each other.

Sometimes, beneath a seemingly straightforward conflict about a phone, chores, sex or a lack of time together, there are needs for closeness, safety, recognition or feeling important to the other person.

Therapy can explore what happens between partners when one tries to connect, how the other responds and what causes a conversation to turn into conflict or withdrawal.

The work may also involve expressing needs, having difficult conversations, responding to emotions and gradually rebuilding connection.

The effectiveness of couples therapy for relationship difficulties has been studied. A meta-analysis of 33 randomised studies involving 2,730 participants, examining behavioural couples therapy and emotionally focused couples therapy, found a moderate average improvement in relationship satisfaction immediately after therapy ^[5].

However, the authors noted possible publication bias and weaker evidence for the maintenance of results over the longer term ^[5].

Therapy therefore does not guarantee a particular outcome.

It can, however, give a couple space to look more calmly at what is happening in their relationship and what each person needs.

Loneliness can be a signal, not a verdict on the relationship

Being able to say:

“I feel lonely”

or:

“I feel alone”

to the person with whom you share your life can be difficult.

You may worry that these words will sound like an accusation or a rejection of the whole relationship. They do not have to mean:

“I don’t love you”

or:

“This relationship is over.”

They may mean:

“I miss our closeness.”

“I wish we could talk to each other again.”

“I don’t know how to reach you.”

“Our relationship matters to me, but we cannot change what is happening between us on our own.”

This can be the beginning of an important conversation.

How can Milevia help?

At Milevia Psychological Clinic, we offer couples therapy for people experiencing emotional distance, a lack of closeness, communication difficulties and recurring conflict, among other concerns.

The first sessions allow you to explore with a specialist what is happening in your relationship, how each partner sees the problem and what you would like to work on together.

You do not need to know in advance “who has the problem” or already have a solution.

If, despite trying to talk, you still find it increasingly difficult to connect, you can book a couples consultation and explore with a specialist what lies behind the growing distance.

Research sources

_{[1] Mund M., Johnson M.D. (2021). Lonely Me, Lonely You: Loneliness and the Longitudinal Course of Relationship Satisfaction. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22, 575–597. DOI: 10.1007/s10902-020-00241-9. The study followed 2,337 stable married and unmarried couples from the German Family Panel over eight years.}

_{[2] de Jong Gierveld J., Broese van Groenou M.I., Hoogendoorn A.W., Smit J.H. (2009). Quality of Marriages in Later Life and Emotional and Social Loneliness. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 64B(4), 497–506. DOI: 10.1093/geronb/gbn043. PMID: 19213848. The study involved 755 married people aged 64–92 from the Longitudinal Aging Study Amsterdam. As a cross-sectional study, it describes associations between marital quality and loneliness but does not establish the direction of causality.}

_{[3] Stokes J.E. (2017). Two-Wave Dyadic Analysis of Marital Quality and Loneliness in Later Life: Results From the Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing. Research on Aging, 39(5), 635–656. DOI: 10.1177/0164027515624224. PMID: 26733494. The study involved 932 older married couples living in Ireland, with two assessments two years apart.}

_{[4] Marini C.M., Ermer A.E., Fiori K.L., Rauer A.J., Proulx C.M. (2020). Marital Quality, Loneliness, and Depressive Symptoms Later in Life: The Moderating Role of Own and Spousal Functional Limitations. Research in Human Development, 17(4), 211–234. DOI: 10.1080/15427609.2020.1837598. PMID: 34239391. The analysis included 1,084 couples taking part in the Health and Retirement Study, a representative study of the US population aged 50 and over. It examined factors including marital support and strain, loneliness and later depressive symptoms.}

_{[5] Rathgeber M., Bürkner P.-C., Schiller E.-M., Holling H. (2019). The Efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Behavioral Couples Therapy: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 447–463. DOI: 10.1111/jmft.12336. PMID: 29781200. A meta-analysis of 33 randomised studies involving 2,730 participants. It found moderate effects of couples therapy on relationship satisfaction immediately after therapy. The authors also noted possible publication bias and less conclusive findings about the durability of the effects.}